Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tight-fisted

Tenpasenta Church home
Life, nobody survives, so plan your funeral early to avoid disappointment.


upfront funeral plan
Tenpasenta self storage units with dead bodies on trolley UpfrontOption 1*.
Our most popular option, be buried at the same time as your deceased loved one up to 10 years after their death. By renting one of our discount long lease freezer units at only £1200 per year, their body will be kept relatively fresh until your death, at which time they will be defrosted, you can then benefit from a double burial or cremation for the price of one!
If you would prefer to keep the body at home in the shed, for example, we can supply fluid-resistant body bags with a slow-release valve for decomposition gases. At only £149 these bags are a great value option. You will require form B.H.R. "Body at Home Request" available from your local Police station.
If you were to die soon after your loved one you will save a packet!
Untrusted insurance
UpfrontOption 2*.
Two For One, if during the grief period after a loved ones death you were to commit suicide before their burial date you will qualify for our double cremation option. Great!

UpfrontOption 3.

Any women found to have been pregnant during their autopsy will automatically qualify for our two for one deal, in fact, if there are multiple fetuses the deal becomes even better value, a truly great offer to take advantage of.
For those women unfortunate enough to die whilst giving birth, it's quite common practice for the baby to be dealt with separately, because of this they will not qualify for our two for one offer, sorry.
Two for One Funerals
*These deals do not include the price of a second coffin.
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£600'ish NOT AVAILABLE £600'ish
Budget funerals Southampton Many people on low incomes will be entitled to a Bereavement Payment from the government of £2000 to cover funeral costs, so fill your boots if you're lucky enough to qualify, let us know, we can give you a special receipt so that we can split the money, you will be able to fund the whole budget funeral and get a few quid spare in your pocket for some new shoes.

Pauper's funeral is also a popular choice, we get paid by the council to cremate the body, you get rid, we all win.
Bereavement Payment
Tenpasenta Church budget fuunerals logo
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Limo Free Funeral
wonderful If you can't afford fancy limousines or fake mourners to follow behind the hearse we offer a great summer special deal, we will drive your loved one around the streets and local parks offering free ice creams for all and as if by magic we get you free mourners, en-route, remember we will not stop until after a 70mph blast to the Tenpasenta budget funeral areas so you'll not get the mourners at the service, (but we have staff out and about to take photos for your album, prices start at £10 per Poloroid) we've stopped early by mistake before and the bastards go loopy when they realise we have none.
Prices start at £7,50 per mile
Upfront Pay for your budget funeral in full in advance and benefit from a 10% discount, we really are the Church owned funeral shop that cares.
Pop in today and meet our friendly funeral care team with your money, prices start at only £500'ish + £150 bereavement tax, maybe a touch more after some haggling on our part. Untrusted insurance
It's nice for us to get guaranteed money up front, especially around Christmas, we look forward to meeting you and getting some budget funerals sorted.
Tenpasenta Church Budget funerals, putting customers first.
Customer service report
Daimler hearse in front of church
Unloved, unwanted, or just unknown?
The Government will pay us good money to get rid of the unwanted dead, and we proud to take on that task.
If you would like to take advantage of this Free to user option you will need to get rid of all your money and belongings before you die, we offer advice on how you can do this in person at Brian’s charity shop or Tenpasenta charity donations department, or Donate Now! and we can arrange to come to your house with a Luton van and official-looking documents to empty both it and your bank accounts, we recommend that you live like this for at least 3 years before death as it helps to save us a lot of paperwork with the tax man.
State paid funerals do however come with our compulsory luxury class bargain hearse at no extra cost, which is nice.
Be sure to tell friends and relatives that you want your impoverished body sent to The Tenpasenta Church Budget funerals, it may be an advantage to have your body left for several weeks rotting away as this should speed up the actual free cremation service.
If you would like any possessions or cash passed on to any relatives you do actually like, we charge 10% commission plus 10% handling.
Take a look at our professionally produced promotional video above, you know you're in good hands.
You could save a packet on your funeral if you were to donate the deceased or yourself to medical science because there will be no funeral.
We didn't used to accept budget customers bodies for this plan as the lower classes are seen to be of lower value to scientists, but that's all changed thanks to the rise in body commodity prices, we now accept all disease-free recently deceased corpses from the under 60's!
Tell one of our vicar's that you'd like to opt-in and you'll receive a voucher for a free pint of bitter (to drink outside) from the Premium Church bar!
cock in hand pub
Donar Card
Carry the Card!
Many people who live and die in the UK were born abroad and may wish their body repatriated to whatever country they originated from, this can be very an expensive proposition and because of this their final wishes may not be upheld.
Until now!
We have been approached by political bigwig Little Dick Griffin of the British Nice Party, who was very keen to sponsor our repatriation service, but with a difference, he has offered to repatriate the international dead AND their bereaved family with free one-way tickets.
Dick Griffin at Southampton airport
This FREE service is not part of Tenpasenta Budget funerals, but we are happy to promote worthwhile charities, especially if they give us a few quid to do so.
Molotov Coctail We understand the shock that losing a major wage earner can bring an already impoverished family, that's why we allow you to make 2 easy payments within 30 days of the funeral taking place, a bit like those QVC specials on the telly, however unlike those QVC specials on the telly non-payment will not be in the form of a snotty red letter through the post, but a guaranteed home visit from Knuckles Collyer and his debt collections team.
His Collections team does not take money for your unpaid bills, but in the form of creating more business for ourselves. If the debtor had a small family and had failed to make the payments, they can look forward to having an even smaller family after our visit, they will also be billed for any additional funeral service.

Waste our time, we'll waste you!
Criminal vicar
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Funeral plan advert
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