Coffins
Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tight-fisted

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VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Life, nobody survives, plan your funeral early to avoid disappointment.

ELITE CARDBOARD COFFINS

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Why not pawn some of the deceased persons nicer items to finance a classic looking cardboard coffin.
Prices start at only £100 up to around £300 including a 70-micron Crem-film liner, many people say is a lot of money for a box, but they are constructed from 100% pure carton board.
The natural brown finish looks very Eco-friendly, which is a nice excuse to buy one, you can self decorate to give whatever finish you like.
Why not get all mourners at the funeral to sign the coffin and leave dull messages, just like when a birthday card is handed around at work for somebody you don't know, but without the begrudgingly given £1 donation that you'd put by for a Mars bar. Guaranteed to make any coffin look a bloody mess before burial or cremation.
Not suitable for prolonged exposure to moisture be it high humidity or storage in a mortuary fridge thanks to condensation. If the deceased was 14 stone or over a cardboard coffin may not be suitable, this highlights one of the financial advantages of dying from a wasting disease, but if you'd still like one check out our beautiful reinforcement insert below.

Only £75

EMBELISHED ELITE CARDBOARD COFFINS

By embellishing the cardboard coffin with high quality plastic or rope handles the short-sighted mourner will believe you have purchased a coffin worth thousands.

The Brassy

£150 extra.

The Ropey

This site is not suitable for churchy types

STANDARD CARDBOARD COFFINS (GRADED ELITE)

Our most popular range	The Charcoal £110	The Amazon £120

The Condensensation £150	The Renovation £200	The Elite £300

To the untrained eye these crappy Budget cardboard coffins may look almost identical, but it's a funeral, mourners aren't playing Where's Wally, unless the deceased is named Wally, each coffin will come with a price tag in clear view, this tag can display the price of your choice, this will impress mourners in the same way you have to tell people how much you paid for jewellery. Great quality

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All products include our inflated
60% Bereavement Tax.

GREEN

Please note that the Eco Cardboard Box is only really suitable for bodies up to 6'2'' in height, and certainly not for the overly obese! If misused these boxes will bend in the middle giving the pallbearers the appearance of rug delivery men.
Although we like to believe our cardboard coffin is environmentally friendly this does not apply to fixtures and fittings including liners used for cremations, however what does biodegradable mean? We believe it means that after several decades of internment a future Lord Sir Tony Robinson's Time team will find nothing remaining worth suing us for, and as everybody alive today will be dead themselves who gives a crap?

BOX DISPLAY CASE

A genuine wood effect coffin cover can be hired for first half-hour of the service, these are fairly good quality covers and give the impression that the funeral is not as cheap as it actually is, £10 per half hour, so get your photos taken quick and your carrying done fast.

THE BIOHAZARD COLLECTION

The BioHazard£580	The BioBag £150

CORONAVIRUS UPDATE

Did your loved one contract Coronavirus? Then why not have a unique medical waste look to warn mourners they too are in deep shit by attending the funeral. The BioHazard printed cardboard coffin is available in Red or Yellow, these are identical in every way to those being used by the government but we charge them five times the price, one of the advantages of us manufacturing these coffins in our Wuhan factory, it is pure coincidence that the Coronavirus arrived in Europe days after we imported two million units, or go for the BioHazard body bag, great value at only £150! These splendid bags won't cost you an arm and a leg, however they can only be used for cadavers that have been heavily dissected or dismembered, so in that respect an arm and a leg is compulsory.
Coronavirus body collection service now available in the Southampton area, only £400.

FREEZER COFFINS

With old freezers clogging up scrap yards why not buy one to clog up our graveyard instead? Prices start at only £200 for an unbranded model and up to £400 for a Bosch or Smeg unit. If you are having trouble finding the money for freezer of your choice, why not get a working one and keep them at home until you've saved up enough money, if you did choose this option don't tell anybody else, I expect there is some law against it, but you will have the advantage of seeing your loved one when you go to get the frozen peas out.

DUCT TAPE

If you're investing in a lower quality coffin why not invest in some high quality coffin sealer too, prevent those odious smells leaking out of those poorly sealed joints, prevent cracks, seal and strengthen that coffin to unbelievable strength by encasing the whole coffin in the tape colour of your choice. Sti King Yu quality duct tape from the heartlands of Guangzhou China is the duct tape of choice here at Budget Funerals..
If you don't wish to seal the coffin yourself we can do the sealing service for you for an additional £50. Sti King Yu quality duct tape is tough stuff, as far as we know a fully encased coffin could last forever.
Prices start at £45 per roll.

BANKSY BOX

After seeing some of the beautifully printed cardboard coffins available these days we felt that our budget customers may feel left out, so we now let you design your very own creative coffin.
All of our cardboard coffin customers have the opportunity to use our professional paint spraying equipment and a choice of popular coloured automotive paints so that they can customise their loved ones dull looking cardboard coffin.
Custom paintwork should be completed at least 24 hours before the body is placed in the coffin, our cheap cardboard does not stand up well to damp conditions and could lose its ability to withstand any weight or pressure put upon it. If poor weather is forecast for the funeral we recommend a thick layer of clear lacquer is applied for added protection.
It has been noted that painted coffins burn very rapidly, so if you are having a pyre cremation the box may burn within seconds exposing the loved one in a manner that could scare mourners shitless.
£120

INFANT COFFINS

We have a wide range of stylish infant and child coffins, these budget coffins are the ideal choice for any family that has lost a young one but not lost the ability to watch their finances.
We sell many different sizes from our self-storage sales office, prices start at only £20, but they can also be obtained free if you were to sneak behind the local Spar mini-market.
We suggest that the coffin be lined with a plastic bin bag before adding an old towel or blanket, a beautiful resting place for any child, living or dead.
We can bury or cremate Budget children up to 12 years of age free of charge, which brings some cheer at this tragic time.
Please remember that infants leave very few or no remains after cremation, maybe a surprise tooth, mainly because the bones will not be fully calcified but there is an answer*,
*ANSWER: Chuck a few bones left over from a spare ribs dinner into the pyre or with the infant's cadaver, you can then take these charred remains home to show your friends and family or to just keep as a keepsake.

TAILORING SERVICE

For those still insisting on the Cardboard coffin for a taller body use our tailoring service.
We can make height and weight adjustments to meet the coffins design specification, this is done by cutting off the loved ones feet, legs or even head, or we may cube the body (ideal for a suitcase burial or the Biobag).
Our friendly autopsy assistant Barry Collyer and his team are more than happy to make the required anatomical modifications, he says that cutting limbs sure beats running guts in the sink, we'll take his word on that.
Ask about length adjustments when booking your budget funeral.
We cannot guarantee our coffins will carry more than 14 stone, so heavier corpses may require 2 coffins or purchase of a sturdy coffin reinforcement insert as seen above.

MEXICAN COFFINS

We have taken tips from our friends at Budget Funerals Mexico and are proud to introduce their budget coffin range into ours from 2018.
Prices start at only £140.
Cement preservative is an optional extra from only £15 per sack plus importing costs of £178.
Ask about the all-new Metal coffin The Oil Drum.

Benefit from our mixed pack in the event of a family tragedy with a set of 4 to 7 Mexican coffins from only £600!

These beautiful coffins are also available in Portuguese, just ask any of our staff if they have a full Brazilian.

The Mexicano £140

The Infant Memorial Seat £180


The Mexicano Home kit £180	The Mexicano Family Selection £1500 for a set of 7

Budget Funerals recommends genuine imported Mexican Cement .

SICILIAN COFFIN

Why not have your loved one sleep with the fishes thanks to our Sicilian inspired cement shoes.
This burial at sea in the Solent will require boat hire and a couple of strong men to handle the body on and off the deck.
If your loved one is still living during the internment we will require a cash advance of a £2,500 non-refundable deposit so that we can arrange an after dark departure from our boatyard, this is on top of our standard £1,200 fee.
Bring along your fishing rods for a free hour of sea fishing, £40 per extra hour required, free box of chips with every third hour booked!

EXTRA EXTRA LARGE COFFIN

It's a fact of modern life that many people are morbidly overweight, but there are many that are even bigger than this, unfortunately many of these big fat oafs die whilst still bleeding huge instead of waiting until they've slimmed down to fit into a reasonably sized coffin, this used to mean constructing very expensive bespoke coffins, but with so many big dead coming into our funeral shop daily we have introduced a new off the shelf American designed XXL model.
Our beautiful new coffin is constructed from pine planks sourced from Sweden's premier timber yards and purchased from B&Q, it is pre-fitted with a standard pallet sourced from our local Spar making it easy to move by our elderly pallbearers, either by pallet truck or forklift.
We have decided to call the XXL coffin The Fatty, and the XXXL coffin The Big Fact Hunt (only available at Premium funerals).
These are compatible with all pyres and for an extra fee our new jumbo-sized Fat Furnace cremation unit.
Be warned that a flow of hot fat running from the pyre is not unknown during the cremation of huge people, so wear thick-soled shoes if you attend.

The Fatty £1,599-£3,999

DIY COFFIN KIT


	This excellent coffin kit is ideal for professional or amateur coffin makers alike, by choosing the best wood in the world, the Chinese Plywood tree, our team of craftsmen at the Chi Ping sawdust mill in Fuxin, convert these cherished trees into sheets of coffin board, and we bring these to your door at a price that will amaze. £180! Pine effect vinyl covering is £40 per roll extra.

We asked Vicar Brian to demonstrate.

ORDERED

DELIVERED

ASSEMBLED

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CHINESE QUALITY

D.I.Y. and Fatty coffin manufacturing area

SENIOR COFFIN DESIGNER

All of our coffins are hand built by craftsmen at one of our sister companies in China, Wan Fook Hing has been our trading partner since 2008, he had spent 25 years designing and manufacturing wardrobes and bedside cabinets for MFI until they went tits up, he then brought his experience in quality cabinet making to the vast coffin market, with funding from the Tenpasenta church of England Wan Fook Hing coffin was established. We now distribute 50,000 coffins per week worldwide, we found the Western market most profitable but we are bringing these Budget coffins at trade prices exclusively to Budget Funerals customers, and as we know the Chinese are the biggest cheapskates known to man, so if they buy them, you'll buy them.