Budget Funerals Burial service

Burials
Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tight-fisted

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BURIAL	CREMATION	GREEN	CHURCH
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	PLANS

Life, nobody survives, so plan your funeral early to avoid disappointment.

BURIAL OPTIONS

Our Budget cemetery has been designed to offer great value for money, and not just for us. Starting at only £500 for a simple loculus with a 10-year lease, you can't go wrong. Beautifully handcrafted cement crypts start at just £1800 for a 5-year lease.
Visitors have been seen here walking around open-mouthed (we guess at its beauty), kids love to peek into any small gaps in graves, and pets are welcome dead or alive.
This Budget facility was opened in 1984 and named after the Aboriginal God of lethargy Wotachytole.
Many older chambers become available daily. due to the popularity our cemetery it's filling up faster than we can empty it, the newly built chambers, therefore, come without sea views.
Why not insist that you too join 75,000 others who have chosen the exclusive Wotachytole cemetery as their chosen place to rot in peace, reserve your plot today.

You can reserve your interment chamber or guarantee a family area by just leaving a £45 non-refundable deposit on each chamber required, this deposit will secure your choice for one year, and can be renewed annually.
Our skilled craftsmen are adding new prefabricated vaults every night when we reach 100,000 units that will be the end of construction on this very unique site until we start another around the back.
Don't forget the green certificate from the registrar, or we're not going to be able to bury anyone, it would be a shame to miss out.
Remember we now offer Ultra Budget burials for the tight-fisted. Just £150 buys six months burial in the Wotachytole cemetery.

DISINTERMENT DAY

We offer a rolling one year contract, not only does it free up some valuable space for us but it's also a bargain price for you, however, it does have its downfalls, read further. We hold disinterment day every Agust bank holiday when those at the end of their contract are invited to collect their relative's cadaver. Anyone being so cheap as to go for only one year will find their relative a little less decomposed than they'd hoped, but that's their fault for not doing a bit of homework. NAFF

Whatever the state of decomposition we expect the cadaver to be gone on the day, what you do with it is up to you but please don't put them out by our bins, that counts as not collected, all uncollected cadavers will be DHL'd to their nearest living relative at their cost.

DISINTERMENT DAY RESULTS 2017

Disinterment day 2019.
We had a quieter than usual day this year with only 84 bodies removed from their Wotachytole resting places.
43 grieving relatives agreed to have their loved ones reburied on our new long term 10 year agreement.
28 were cremated at cost on our budget funeral pyres.
8 had premium green burials after the relatives realised they had profited from the deceased.
2 were taken home this year, which was the fewest ever.
2 went to the pig farm, which was a poor result.
1 was not in her grave, Hampshire Police are investigating.
Thanks to all those who turned up, we have decided to cancel the mobile burger van in future as it stunk up the place.

See you next year!

BODY FARM

You may have elected to donate your own or your loved one's cadaver for medical research, this could include forensic research at the Tenpasenta body farm.
CryptAdvisor

These cadavers are located next to the Wotachytole cemetery behind a high fence, some decomposing bodies are visible through knot holes, as for the terrible smells, they'll have to get used to you.

This body farm is run in conjunction with Southampton University and you should contact them for full details, we just rent them the field.

crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand

This site is not suitable for churchy types

MODERN SYSTEM SOON

Progress on our new high rise burial chambers is going very well.
This facility is aimed at those not wishing to pay for a woodland burial, but are not prepared to be laid to rest in our Wotachytole above ground bargain cemetery.
For a limited time, we are taking reservations exclusively for Tenpasenta Afterlife plan holders, with a special introductory rate of only £5,000 for a 30-year lease instead of the standard 25 years.
Our burial chambers are built over three levels:
Level G is for heavy or large bodies*.
Level 1: is for normal-sized bodies*.
Level 2: for small or elderly frail bodies*.
You can choose a top-level 2 chamber for a large or heavy body, but you'll have to carry it up there yourself.
Check out our range of facing "stones" selected for you from the Wickes kitchen range.
Open to the general public from mid-2018 or late 2020.
*Weight and size including coffin.

To keep within Budget we have teamed up with Wickes D.I.Y. to provide you with an exclusive opportunity to front your loved one's burial chamber at an affordable price.

We have worktops in our kitchen that date back to 2009, and the idea came to us of using Laminate Kitchen Worktops as chamber fronts, we expect them to be as durable as real stone* and at a fraction of the cost.

*Not tested.

RADIO CRYPT

Our latest and best state of the art crypt has its own radio room in the case of burial when still alive. This does happen, and the picture here shows one poor unfortunate cheapskate who was interred while alive, he did reach the radio room but unfortunately it wasn't yet wired up. Nobody was more surprised to find him locked into his grave than him, but we were quite shocked to find him sitting there when we popped open his crypt to retrieve a packet of cigarettes mistakenly left in there.
It is very rare to be buried alive at Budget Funerals, maybe less than a 10% chance, so choose your resting place carefully.

THE GRENFELL

	New for 2018 is our beautiful and functional new memorial headstone The Grenfell. Moulded from plastics only usually seen on beautiful innercity tower blocks, these weather-hardy headstones offer the ideal marker for your dearly departed ones charred remains.

BULK BURIAL

The ultra impoverished may be interested in our bulk grave system. CryptAdvisor

The dearly beloved will be stacked into one of our unique bulk grave vaults. Every month or two these delightful resting places are then put on a local container ship to sunnier climes.
The trick here is that we insist that all bulk burial vault be placed on the highest point on the outside of our chosen container ship. So far 156 bulk graves have unfortunately been lost at sea resulting in a nice insurance payout, and 46 reaching landfall at our North Korean Soylent Green rendering plants.
Only £500.

HOME BURIAL

Many people are unaware of the fact that you can bury a body in your garden, a loophole used by many if not all Green/woodland burial sites.
The rules are:

1, a lawful certificate of the cause of death, they must register their death with the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages.
2, a body comes within the definition of "clinical waste" and as such cannot be disposed of except under the provisions of the Control of Pollution Act 1974 and the Environment Protection Act 1990, in other words not within certain distances of water sources etc...
3, you must own or have permission to use private land, it must also be added to the title deeds of the house, better to shock a prospective buyer in writing before they buy than scare them shitless as they dig their new swimming pool.

Of course, digging a six-foot deep hole can be a nuisance, especially for the bone idle or elderly. We offer a domestic grave-digging service if your garden has good access we can use one of our fleet of grave excavators for only £150. If you require a hand-dug grave this can be arranged for only £350 or so, depending on the soil, you really can't go wrong, you will even get the chance to meet sub under vicar Brian and find out why we can't stand the twat.
If you wish to erect a headstone larger than a standard garage you will require planning permission from the council, they like any excuse to get your money, so that'll bugger up any ideas of getting a lodger in.

WALK

During the visit to your loved one, why not take an amble around the estate. You can cut through from Wotachytole budget burial plots to the pleasant surroundings of the Premium Matsushitty drive through viewing system, a marvel of Japanese technology and a twisted mind.
Be careful when using this pathway once known as Gaseous Clay Way, renamed in 1964 to Muhammad Alley.

ABOUT	COFFINS	URNS	EXTRAS
BURIAL	CREMATION	PLANS	CHURCH
VIEWING	FLEET	LIVING?	BEREAVEMENT

Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, and once purchased are non-refundable..