Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tightfisted

 
 

Funeral plans

 
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  • Making life's final journey cheaper than other people's •  

UPFRONT FUNERAL PROTECTION PLANS

Tenpasenta
 
Tenpasenta self storage UpfrontOption 1*.
Our most popular option, be buried at the same time as your deceased loved one up to 10 years after their own death. By renting one of our discount long lease freezer units at only £120 per year, their body will be kept relatively fresh until your own death, at which time they will be defrosted, you can then benefit from a double burial or cremation for the price of one!
If you would prefer to keep the body at home in the shed for example, we can supply fluid resistant body bags with a slow release valve for decomposition gases. At only £49 these bags are a great value option. You will require form B.H.R. "Body at Home Request" available from your local Police station.
If you were to die soon after your loved one you will save a packet!
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UpfrontOption 2*.
Two For One, if during the grief period after a loved ones death you were to commit suicide before their burial date you will qualify for our double burial option. Great!

UpfrontOption 3.

Any women found to have been pregnant during their autopsy will automatically qualify for our two for one deal, in fact if there are multiple fetuses the deal becomes even better value, a truly great offer to take advantage of.
For those women unfortunate enough to die whilst giving birth, it's quite common practice for the baby to be dealt with separately, because of this they will not qualify for our two for one offer, sorry.
Two for One Funerals
*These deals do not include the price of a second coffin.
   
   
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PRICES

Tenpasenta
CREMATION EASY PAYMENT OPTIONS BURIAL
£600'ish NOT AVAILABLE £600'ish
Budget-Funerals-Southampton Many people on low incomes will be entitled to a Bereavement Payment from the government of £2000 to cover funeral costs, so fill your boots if you're lucky enough to qualify, let us know, we can give you a special receipt so that we can split the money, you will be able to fund the whole budget funeral and get a few quid spare in your pocket for some new shoes.

Pauper's funeral is also a popular choice, we get paid by the council to cremate the body, you get rid, we all win.
Bereavement Payment
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DISCOUNT IDEAS

Tenpasenta
Limo Free Funeral
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Why not save a few quid and don't have a family limousine behind the hearse, we can drive your loved one around the streets and collect mourners en-route.
PAY IN FULL
Tenpasenta
UpfrontPay for your budget funeral in full in advance and benefit from a 10% discount, we really are the Church that cares.
Pop in today and meet our friendly funeral care team with your money, prices start at only £500'ish + £150 bereavement tax, maybe a touch more after some haggling on our part.Untrusted insurance
It's nice for us to get guaranteed money up front, especially around Christmas, we look forward to meeting you and getting some budget funerals sorted.
Tenpasenta Church Budget funerals, putting customers first.
Customer service
STATE PAID FUNERALS
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Luxury hearse
Unloved, unwanted, or unknown?
The Government will pay us good money to get rid of the unwanted dead, and we proud to take on that task.
If you would like to take advantage of this Free to user option you will need to get rid of all your money and belongings before you die, we offer advice on how you can do this in person at Brian’s charity shop or Tenpasenta charity donations department, or email us and we can arrange to come to your house with a Luton van and official looking documents to empty both it and your bank accounts, we recommend that you live like this for at least 3 years before death as it helps to save us a lot of paperwork with the tax man..
State paid funerals do however come with our compulsory luxury class bargain hearse at no extra cost, which is nice.
Be sure to tell friends and relatives that you want your impoverished body sent to The Tenpasenta Church Budget funerals, it may be an advantage to have your body left for several weeks rotting away as this should speed up the actual free cremation service.
If you would like any possessions or cash passed on to any relatives you do actually like, we charge 40% commission plus 60% handling.
Take a look at our professionally produced promotional video above, you know you're in good hands.
DONATE YOUR BODY
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You could save a packet on your budget funeral if you were to donate the deceased or yourself to medical science, because there will be no funeral!
We didn't used to accept budget customers bodies for this plan as the lower classes are seen to be of lower value to scientists, but that's all changed thanks to the rise in body commodity prices, we now accept all disease free corpses from the under 60's!
Tell one of our vicar's that you'd like to opt in and receive a free pint of bitter (to drink outside) from our Premium Church bar!
 
Donar Card
Carry the Card!
3RD PARTY REPATRIATION SERVICE
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Many people who die in the UK were born abroad, and may wish their body repatriated to whatever country they originated.
This can be very expensive and because of this their wishes may not be upheld. Until now!
We have been approached by political bigwig Nick Griffin of the British Nice Party, who was very keen to sponsor our repatriation service, but with a difference, he has agreed to repatriate international visitors years before they have died.
Nick Griffin at Southampton airport
This FREE service is not part of Tenpasenta Budget funerals, but we are happy to promote worthwhile charities if they give us a few bob to do so.
LATE PAYMENT
Tenpasenta
Coctail We understand the shock that losing a major wage earner can bring an already impoverished family, that's why we allow you to make 2 easy payments within 30 days of the funeral taking place, a bit like those QVC specials on the telly, however unlike those QVC specials on the telly non-payment will not be in the form of a snotty red letter through the post, but a guaranteed home visit from Knuckles Collyer and his debt collections team.
His Collections team does not take money for your unpaid bills, but in the form of creating more business for ourselves. If the debtor had a small family and had failed to make the payments, they can look forward to having an even smaller family after our visit, they will be billed for their additional funeral "service".

Waste our time, we'll waste you!
Vicar
NO PROBLEM
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No credit, no problem
     
Cremation
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Tenpasenta Limited Registered in England 08577852

Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, however feel free to donate money as I’m broke.
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