Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tightfisted

 
 

Essentials for those still living

 
Tenpasenta Church home
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  • Making life's final journey cheaper than other people's •  

BUDGET BOOKS OF REMEMBRANCE

Tenpasenta
Basic Book of Remembrance

Basic edition.
Available from only £10.75* per year.

Deluxe edition.
Bold Entry +1 Line from only £100 per year.

Ex-directory.
Available for only £175 forever, paid to us.

*monthly BT line rental. You will need to renew yearly to maintain your name.

Book of remembrance (budget)
Basic Deluxe
   
   
Shit Happens
  Tenpasenta Church

FUNERAL MUSIC

Tenpasenta
funeral music
Below are some of the favourite songs played at our funerals, ideal for embedding into your page of remembrance.
if you have Adobe Flash enabled in your browser you can sit back and listen to this dire selection of songs that our staff have to cue up on a daily basis in an effort to raise an emotional response amongst the bereaved. Enjoy!
Pumping Nilsson   Johnny cash  
Harry Nilsson Johnny Cash Pumping
Rather be dead Ring of fire  
Pumping Billy   trammps  
Billy Bragg The Trammps Pumping
Goodbye Goodbye Disco Inferno  
Pumping Guns   goodbye  
Guns N' Roses American Kids Show Pumping
I Used To Love Her Goodbye  
Pumping led   box  
Led Zeppelin Living in a box Pumping
Stairway to Heaven Living in a box  
Pumping jam   fortunes  
The Jam The Fortunes Pumping
Going underground You've Got Your Troubles  
Pumping Doors   countdown  
The Doors Channel 4 Pumping
Light my Fire Countdown  
   
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church  

INTERNET REMEMBRANCE

Tenpasenta
Get your dead face or that of a loved one on a web page just like this! Only £9.99 per year!
E Memrance
 
   
Shit HappensUnion Jack
  Tenpasenta Church  

DISINTERMENT DAY

Tenpasenta
Happy Disinterment day 2014.
We had a quieter than usual day this year with only 84 bodies removed from their Wotachytole resting places.
43 grieving relatives agreed to have their loved ones reburied on our new long term 10 year agreement.

28 were cremated at cost on our budget funeral pyres.

8 had premium green burials after the relatives realised they had profited from the deceased.

2 were taken home this year, which was the fewest ever.

2 went to the pig farm, which was a poor result.

1 was not in her grave, Hampshire Police are investigating.
Thanks to all those who turned up, we have decided to cancel the mobile burger van in future as it stunk up the place.
See you next year!
   
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church  

LIVING WILL

Tenpasenta

*40% of bequeathed value payable to the
Tenpasenta Church 5 days after death.

Leave Money In Your Will
Being dead is a great opportunity for you to leave your money and belongings to the ones you love, many budget customers still believe that death is not going to happen to them and don't bother making a will, if you too think you're eternal, think again!

Tenpasenta Budget Funerals in association with Tenpasenta Afterlife, have launched a special living Will service only for our Budget customers, these wills are free of charge* and guarantee that whatever little valuables you may have are distributed fairly and legally to your chosen recipients.
Just catalogue your disposables and let us do the rest.
   
   
Donate
  Tenpasenta Church  
PET PROBLEMS
Tenpasenta
Dog Quality pet rugs
Shit HappensThe death of a relative can leave more than just a funeral to arrange, it could leave their once loved pet homeless.
There are some charities that will take this awkward inheritance off your hands, but is this really what your dead relative would have wanted? These much loved pets were expected to be in your home, no questions asked, and with no cash left for years and years of their food this bequeathal could soon become a pain in the wallet.
We offer the ideal solution for you, their pet will be in your home as they wanted, but the expense of food and trouble of walking a dog will be out the window!
In association with the Beijing animal rescue corporation (BARC), we can turn those unwanted pets into novelty foot mats, and at only £175 each it's a fantastic bargain, no longer attracting fleas, just moth.
No harm will come to the unwanted pet, just a very large dose of Sodium thiopental that will finish them off, the rest of the rug making process is painless.
Order now.
CARPET CLEANING
Tenpasenta
Body stains in carpet Body stain cleanng
Body Juice Soap Are you worried by smelly body stains in your carpet, bedding or kitchen lino? Worry no more with New Vicar's Choice Body Juice Removal Soap!
This professional carpet cleaning solution has been developed by the scientists that brought you Shitlike Mint stool fragrance as used by geriatric homes worldwide.
Not only will Vicar's Choice Body Juice Removal Soap leave your carpets cleaner than new, but the beautiful scent of flowers will replace the stench of death.CryptAdvisor
This amazing product is not available in stores nationwide, buy yours today from our funeral shop in Woolston for only £14.99!
     
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Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, however feel free to donate money as I’m broke.