Funeral extras.

EXTRAS

EMBALMING

Having a Budget funeral doesn't mean that you can't afford our Budget embalming service. We have pinned our prices to those we charged in 1996, only £25, however the products we use today do reflect the price you pay. We're sure you will agree that £25 still represents splendid value for money.
If you would like to be present during the embalming process please let us know at least 24 hours before the procedure, so that we can tidy the place up a bit.
All of our Budget embalmed bodies are guaranteed to stay fresh looking for an extra two days compared to an unembalmed corpse, money well spent in my view.

Plugs and packing, ideal for absorbing parafin.

AUTOPSY

We offer the best Budget autopsies available in the Woolston area of Southampton. We are accredited by the Belize veterinary association, and we work to their very high standards.
If you are having a body autopsied for insurance purposes remember to let our staff know the results you would like, along with a cash payment of £300 and we'll do the rest.
Owners of obese relatives are asked to help with the handling of the body, at these prices we feel it unfair to put our own backs out of place just because of some lard arse.
Internal organs can be removed and binned to facilitate the use of a smaller coffin or for easier handling during the funeral, a nominal charge of £1 per Lb removed is normal, requesting that the entire body be disposed of in this fashion is frowned upon, however if it makes sound financial sense in our favour and I'm sure we can negotiate a deal.

BODY

We understand the need many people have to dress their loved one themselves before the cremation or burial, however it should be noted metal items like belt buckles and watches may tear the Cremfilm lining of the cardboard box, this could cause leakage of body fluids that may damage the integrity of the box.
Brian will check each body routinely for sharp items, any found will be removed and kept if nice, especially the odd Rolex watch or diamond ring, it happens, just look at our eBay shop.
Please book your cremation or vault burial quickly after death, we can't wait forever, and the body certainly can't, bodies left too long and gone a bit ripe will have to be handled by the bereaved, an additional body bag may be required in these circumstances, or you can layer several packs of cheap panty liners in the base of the coffin to help soak up, but to be honest by this stage it's your problem.

SMACKING

Back due to popular demand is our special after death service for the unloved one in your life. On a request from the next of kin we can have the body "smacked up a bit" with the hand weapon of your choice, this service can be done in lieu of a Budget embalming for only £25, and for some dead scumbags that's money well spent. If relatives would like to view the smacking up process they are more than welcome, but we do limit groups to five tops, feel free to bring along weapons of your own choice and join in, hammers are good. The use of flammable liquids and knives is frowned upon as they are seen to be not in the spirit of things.

DESECRATION

As part of our Unloved service we are proud to offer grave desecration to order. Unlike Smacking up you do not need to be related to the deceased in any way, we have desecration permits that cover the whole of the British Isles, Ireland and parts of Hawaii.
£500 will buy you a no questions asked grave desecration, additional 1st class travelling expenses from Southampton will be added once the grave location has been revealed to us.
This is an in and out quick service, a maximum of two minutes on site with a sledge hammer is all that is required or offered, this is sufficient to give the grave that "gone over" look.
We do not offer a swastika painting service on Jewish graves, however for £8000 we can exhume the body and have them reburied in the Nazi section of our cemetery here in Southampton, which is quite unique.

DISSAPEARMENT

New for 2010, we are now offering a DISSAPEARMENT service.
Fed up with paying high coffin prices? Visits to the cemetery are not your thing? The deceased said they didn't want to be cremated. Many of the good reasons to have your dearly departed "Disappeared".
For only £300 our unique SUS system "pigs" will fully remove from view most bodies in only 45 minutes, and basically removed from existence in a matter of days.
Farm shop open daily from 9am-5pm.

OPEN

If you want to have an open box viewing for your loved one, we recommend you have us dress the body in their everyday clothes and familiar items like glasses.
We have shown an example of how the loved one may look in the pictures on the right, these pictures have been digitally enhanced with the addition of pipe and glasses, but imagine how great your family member would look after we add their own familiar belongings.
For only £30 we will glue and dress any items you give us, remember gold and diamond rings can also be added, but due to hygiene regulations we will cover the hands with thick woollen gloves, so you may not be able to see or feel the rings, and don't remove the gloves to check, Mark the vicar guarantees they are there and not "pinched" as many of the bereaved have been heard to say, its also been noted that gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones will evaporate during pyre cremation, where as cheap costume jewellery may survive.

RESUSCITATION


	For those customers dumb enough to believe their loved one is not really dead, we have installed a resuscitation suite. This room complete with bed and chair, could be vital in offering you a final hands on chance to bring your loved one back to life, you never know when a doctor may have cocked up. Resuscitate a posted corpse for a full refund of ALL funeral costs. Room rental only £60 per hour.

REMEMBER

	1/ Ultra fat dead bodies will require specialist handling, ie the bereaved can do it. If a large corpse causes too much of a problem, we can hire you an industrial strength chainsaw for dividing the body into easy to manage pieces. 2/ All Budget bodies left in our fridge for too long will need to be collected and cleaned up by the bereaved, we will be on hand to give out directions via mobile phone to avoid the stench. Saying that, we can to do this job for an extra £250 or so.