Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tightfisted

 
 

Funeral Extras

 
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  • Making life's final journey cheaper than other people's •  

EMBALMING SERVICE

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Budget embalming room Having a Budget funeral doesn't mean that you can't afford our Budget embalming service. We have pinned our prices to those we charged in 1996, only £25, however the products we use today do reflect the price you pay. We're sure you will agree that £25 still represents splendid value for money.
If you would like to be present during the embalming process please let us know at least 24 hours before the procedure, so that we can tidy the place up a bit.
All of our Budget embalmed bodies are guaranteed to stay fresh looking for an extra two days compared to an unembalmed corpse, money well spent in my view.
Embalming tools embalming fluid cavity fluid absorber
Budget embalming caucasian paint
Flesh colour paint available for touching up blotchy skin.
 
   
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AUTOPSY DEAL

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Budget autopsy tools   Fat body autopsies
Belize veterinary association
We offer the best Budget autopsies available in the Woolston area of Southampton. We are accredited by the Belize veterinary association, and we work to their very high standards.
If you are having a body autopsied for insurance purposes remember to let our staff know the results you would like, along with a cash payment of £300 and we'll do the rest.
Owners of obese relatives are asked to help with the handling of the body, at these prices we feel it unfair to put our own backs out of place just because of some lard arse.
Internal organs can be removed and binned to facilitate the use of a smaller coffin or for easier handling during the funeral, a nominal charge of £1 per Lb removed is normal, requesting that the entire body be disposed of in this fashion is frowned upon, however if it makes sound financial sense in our favour and I'm sure we can negotiate a deal.
Mortuary table
     
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church  

BODY CHECKS

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We understand the need many people have to dress their loved one themselves before the cremation or burial, however it should be noted metal items like belt buckles and watches may tear the Cremfilm lining of the cardboard box, this could cause leakage of body fluids that may damage the integrity of the box.
As a unique service Brian will check each body routinely for unauthorised items, any that are found will be removed and kept if nice, especially the odd Rolex watch or diamond ring, less valuable items will appear on our eBay Outlet, for the latest retrieved valuables take look.
Please book your cremation or vault burial quickly after death, we can't wait forever, and the body certainly can't, bodies left too long and gone a bit ripe will have to be handled by the bereaved, an additional body bag may be required in these circumstances, or you can layer several packs of cheap panty liners in the base of the coffin to help soak up, but to be honest by this stage it's your problem.
Brian has found items worth thousands.
SMACKING UP
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DusterBack due to popular demand is our special after death service for the unloved one in your life.
On a request from the next of kin we can have the body "smacked up a bit" with the hand weapon of your choice, this service can be done in lieu of a Budget embalming for only £25, and for some dead scumbags that's money well spent.
If relatives would like to view the smacking up processHammer they are more than welcome, but we do limit groups to five tops, feel free to bring along weapons of your own choice and join in, hammers are good.
The use of flammable liquids and knives is frowned upon as they are seen to be not in the spirit of things.
Body smacking up service.
DESECRATION SERVICE
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Unloved graves As part of our Unloved service we are proud to offer grave desecration to order. Unlike Smacking up you do not need to be related to the deceased in any way, we have desecration permits that cover the whole of the British Isles, Ireland and parts of Hawaii.
£500 will buy you a no questions asked grave desecration, additional 2nd class travelling expenses from Southampton will be added once the grave location has been revealed to us.
This is an in and out quick service, a maximum of two minutes on site with a sledge hammer is all that is required or offered, this is sufficient to give the grave that "gone over" look.
We do not offer a swastika painting service on Jewish graves, however for £8000 we can exhume the body and have them reburied in the Nazi section of our cemetery here in Southampton, which is quite a unique service.
BODY GRINDER
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Body Grinder HandWe have become the first funeral director in the UK to offer a body grinding service. This unique funeral system is however very common practice for the production of bulk meat products, our skilled staff have been sourced from local factories who specialise in dignified handling of all kinds of deceased.
You have the choice of taking the pre-packed remains for easy burial or flushing at home, or donating to the local Blue Cross.
grandad
DISSAPEARMENT
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Pig system to remove human bodies Fed up with paying high coffin prices? Visits to the cemetery are not your thing? The deceased said they didn't want to be cremated. Many of the good reasons to have your dearly departed "Disappeared" with our DISSAPEARMENT service.
For only £30,000 our unique SUS system will fully remove from view most bodies in only 45 minutes, and basically removed from existence in a matter of days.
Our farm shop open daily from 9am-5pm, for top quality pork.
Shit Happens Tenpasenta Church
 
   
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FAMILIAR
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If you want to have an open box viewing for your loved one, we recommend you have us dress the body in their everyday clothes and familiar items like glasses.
We have shown an example of how the loved one may look in the pictures on the right, these pictures have been digitally enhanced with the addition of pipe and glasses, but imagine how great your family member would look after we add their own familiar belongings.
For only £90 we will glue and dress any items you give us, remember gold and diamond rings can also be added, but due to hygiene regulations we will cover the hands with thick woollen gloves, so you may not be able to see or feel the rings, and don't remove the gloves to check, Mark the vicar guarantees they are there and not "pinched" as many of the bereaved have been heard to say, its also been noted that gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones will evaporate during pyre cremation, where as cheap costume jewellery may survive.
DIGNITY
Face removed Pizza shop owner Luigi Entendo wanted his face removed to resemble his trade mark.pizza
RESUSCITATION ROOM
Tenpasenta
Bodies remain dignified RESUSCITATION
For those customers dumb enough to believe their loved one is not really dead, we have installed a resuscitation suite.
This room complete with bed and chair, could be vital in offering you a final hands on chance to bring your loved one back to life, you never know when a doctor may have cocked up. If you manage to resuscitate a posted corpse we'll give you a full refund of ALL funeral costs, and a front page article in the Southampton Evening Echo
Room rental only £60 per hour.
  lAST CHANCE OR NO CHANCE  
FAT OR RIPE
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Fat pete is dead

Very fat dead loved ones will require specialist handling, we recommend that the bereaved should do it to spare our elderly staff the bother.
We have a hoist available and other industrial strength knickknacks.


If a large corpse causes too much of a problem we can even rent you an industrial strength chainsaw for dividing the body into easy to manage pieces. Please don't leave large lumps in the sluice.

If your dearly departed has been left in their house a little too long they must be placed in our dedicated Stinker fridge at the back of our self service mortuary room.

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Budget bodies left in the fridge for too long will also need to be collected and cleaned up by the bereaved and not just left to rot, Wotachytole is for that. There are always staff on hand to give advice via mobile phone as we don't like the smell, saying that, we can to do the job for an extra £350 or so using our dedicated stinker operative Brian.

Skin slipStinker body
Rotton corpse Stinker Corpse
     
Shit Happens
   
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COFFINCAM
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CoffinCam™ CoffinCam enabled
As part of our modern approach to death and bereavement, we have installed CoffinCam.
Remember your dead loved one as never before, and from only £850, for Premium customers.
We install a live webcam inside the coffin so when you visit our bereavement centre you can ask to see the live coffin camera feed and check your loved ones state of decay.
In 2014 CoffinCam will be available as part of the E-book of remembrance package.
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FUNERAL ON DVD
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Funeral Mix Premium  Funerals


FROM ONLY
£150
Please contact
Premium Funeral
Division.
dvd
Premium Funerals offer DVD's of your loved ones funeral, unlike Premium Funerals however you will need to do the filming yourself to obtain the great value price quoted here, and then we'll burn it to DVD for free.
Film whatever you like, all we ask is a £25 per day extra for a behind the scenes admittance, you will then have access to all areas and you can make a really interesting documentary about their funeral process.
Tenpasenta Ltd funerals Budget Funerals
COMBINED WEDDING DEAL
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Wedding autopsy winner The caring Tenpasenta Church is never backward in coming forward with great new money saving ideas for you that also mean extra business for us. Because our funeral business and wedding venues are all within easy reach of each other we now offer all Tenpasenta newly married couples the option of having a FREE autopsy done on themselves just after the wedding service.
Couples can save over £5000 with this deal, but would also have to agree to a Tenpasenta funeral also done by us to qualify.Tenpasenta Church
Couples having a FREE wedding day autopsy will also benefit from being happily married until death do they part, something which much of the married population cannot boast, we recommend couples have a joint funeral too which would be a truly romantic departure.
Autopsy Wedding autopsy Many people traditionally get buried or cremated in their old wedding clothes, we can arrange for brides to have their wedding dresses dyed black during their autopsy for only £50.CryptAdvisor

No need to cancel the wedding reception as this can become a wake. Grieving relatives can enjoy our premium Church Cock in hand bar facilities. Let your partner go first, then opt out yourself, an excellent way to benefit from your new partners Will.
BIG DECISION
Tenpasenta
Chopped up couple Remember, having an autopsy is a big decision to make, it will effect you and your partners whole future, or lack of it.
As a couple you should decide if it's the right move for you, but with £5000 worth of savings to be made don't think too long and miss out. You will also save thousands by not getting a mortgage or having expensive children to look after for bloody years.
Just before the euthanasia process (pushed down the stairs) if one of you should change your mind, and we had not arranged a secret opt out for you (Safety word system), we will carry on regardless, this is a joint offer* and we are not prepared to go back on a contract just because of petty last minute thoughts.Tenpasenta Church

*if one of you opt out we will give you the nod, if both of you secretly opt out we will still dispose of one of you, usually the best looking.

INVITATIONS

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Give your funeral a touch of class by sending our bespoke beautifully hand written style invitation cards. Each card exudes quality, giving your invited guests a taste of the luxurious things to come.
Discounts for purchases over 1000. Or just £1 each.
By using a black marker pen these unique invitation cards can be simply updated to a wedding invitation, giving them a duel use and added extra value if you'd bought too many.
Invitation cards
     
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Tenpasenta Limited Registered in England 08577852

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