Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tightfisted

 
 

Funeral Extras

 
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  • Making life's final journey cheaper than other people's •

EMBALMING SERVICE

Tenpasenta
Budget embalming room Having a Budget funeral doesn't mean that you can't afford our Budget embalming service. We have pinned our prices to those we charged in 1996, only £25, however the products we use today do reflect the price you pay. We're sure you will agree that £25 still represents splendid value for money.
If you would like to be present during the embalming process please let us know at least 24 hours before the procedure so that we can tidy the place up a bit.
All of our Budget embalmed bodies are guaranteed to stay fresh looking for an extra two days compared to an unembalmed cadaver, money well spent in our view.
Embalming tools embalming fluid cavity fluid absorber
Budget embalming caucasian paint
Flesh colour paint available for touching up blotchy skin.
 
   
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  Tenpasenta Church

AUTOPSY DEAL

Tenpasenta
Budget autopsy tools Fat body autopsies
Belize veterinary association
We offer the best Budget autopsies available in the Woolston area of Southampton. We are accredited by the Belize veterinary association, and we work to their very high standards.
If you are having a loved one autopsied for insurance purposes remember to let our staff know the results you would like, along with a cash payment of £350 and we'll do the rest.
Owners of obese relatives are asked to help with the handling of the body, at these prices we feel it unfair to put our own backs out of place just because of some lard arse.
Internal organs can be removed and binned to facilitate the use of a smaller coffin or for easier handling during the funeral, a nominal charge of £1 per Lb removed is normal, requesting that the entire body be disposed of in this fashion is frowned upon, however if it makes sound financial sense in our favour I'm sure we can negotiate a deal.
Mortuary table
     
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church

BODY CHECKS

Tenpasenta
We understand the need that many people have to dress their loved one themselves before the cremation or burial, however it should be noted metal items like belt buckles and watches may tear the Cremfilm lining of the coffin, this could cause leakage of body fluids that may damage the integrity of the box.
Brian checks each body routinely for unauthorised items, any that are found will be removed and kept if nice, especially the odd Rolex watch or diamond ring, less valuable items will appear on our eBay Outlet, for the latest retrieved valuables take look.

Please book your cremation or vault burial as quickly after death as possible, we can't wait forever, and the body certainly can't, those left too long and gone a bit ripe will have to be handled by the bereaved, an additional body bag may be required in these circumstances, or you could layer several packs of panty liners in the base of the coffin to help soak up the fluids, but to be honest if it gets to this stage it's your problem.
Brian has found items worth thousands.
SMACKING UP
Tenpasenta
DusterBack due to popular demand is our unique after death service for the unloved one in your life.
By request from the next of kin we can have the body "smacked up a bit" with the hand weapon of your choice, this service can be done in lieu of a Budget embalming for only £25, and for some dead scumbags that's money well spent.
If relatives would like to view the smacking up process Hammer they are more than welcome to watch, but we do limit groups to five tops, feel free to bring along weapons of your own choice and join in, hammers are good.
The use of flammable liquids and knives is frowned upon as they are deemed to be not in the spirit of things.
Body smacking up service.
DESECRATION SERVICE
Tenpasenta
Unloved graves As part of our Unloved service we are also proud to offer grave desecration. Unlike Smacking up you do not need to be related to the deceased in any way, we have desecration permits that cover the whole of the British Isles, Ireland and parts of Hawaii.
£500 will buy you a no questions asked grave desecration, additional 1st class travelling expenses from Southampton will be added once the graves location has been revealed to us.
This is an in and out quick service, a maximum of two minutes on site with a sledge hammer is all that is required or offered, we have found this to be sufficient time to give the grave that "gone over" look.
We do not offer a swastika painting service on Jewish graves, however for £18,000 we can exhume a body and have them reburied in the Nazi section of our cemetery which can be found on the extreme right.
BODY GRINDER
Tenpasenta
Body Grinder HandWe have become the first funeral director in the UK to offer a body grinding service. This unique funeral system is however very common practice for the production of bulk meat products, our skilled staff have been sourced from local factories who specialise in dignified handling of all kinds of deceased.
You have the choice of taking the pre-packed remains for easy burial or flushing at home, or donating to the local Blue Cross.
grandad
DISSAPEARMENT
Tenpasenta
Pig system to remove human bodies Fed up with paying high coffin prices? Visits to the cemetery are not your thing? The deceased said they didn't want to be cremated. Many of the good reasons to have your dearly departed "Disappeared" with our DISSAPEARMENT service.
For only £30,000 our unique SUS system will fully remove from view most bodies in only 45 minutes, and basically removed from existence in a matter of days.
Our farm shop open daily from 9am-5pm, for top quality pork.
Shit Happens Tenpasenta Church
 
   
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FAMILIAR
Tenpasenta
If you want to have an open box viewing for your loved one, we recommend you have us dress the body in their everyday clothes and familiar items like glasses.
We have shown an example of how the loved one may look in the pictures on the right, these pictures have been digitally enhanced with the addition of pipe and glasses, but imagine how great your family member would look after we add their own familiar belongings.
For only £90 we will glue and dress any items you give us, remember gold and diamond rings can also be added, but due to hygiene regulations we will cover the hands with thick woollen gloves, so you may not be able to see or feel the rings, and don't remove the gloves to check, Mark the vicar guarantees they are there and not "pinched" as many of the bereaved have been heard to say, its also been noted that gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones will evaporate during pyre cremation, where as cheap costume jewellery may survive.
DIGNITY
Face removed Pizza shop owner Luigi Entendo wanted his face removed to resemble his trade mark.pizza
RESUSCITATION ROOM
Tenpasenta
lAST CHANCE OR NO CHANCE resuscitated RESUSCITATION
Bodies remain dignified For those customers dumb enough to believe their loved one is not really dead, we have unique a resuscitation suite.
This room complete with bed and chair, offers you a final hands on chance to bring your loved one back to life, you never know when a doctor may have cocked up.
If you manage to resuscitate a posted corpse we'll give you £1 million worth of gold bars from Mark the vicars personal collection and a guaranteed front page article in the Southampton Evening Echo.
Resuscitation suite hire only £60 per hour.
approved
OBESE RIPE OR BOTH
Tenpasenta
Fat pete is dead

Very fat dead loved ones will require specialist handling, we recommend that the bereaved do it to spare our elderly staff the bother.
We have a hoist available and other industrial strength lifting equipment.

 

If a large corpse causes too much of a problem we can rent you a chainsaw for dividing the body into easy to manage pieces. Please don't leave large lumps in the sluice.

 

If your dearly departed has been left in their house a little too long they must be placed in our dedicated Stinker fridge at the back of our self service mortuary room, follow the signs.

 


Cadavers left in the fridge for too long will need to be collected and cleaned up by the bereaved and not just left to rot further, Wotachytole is for that. There are always staff on hand to give advice via mobile phone as we don't like the smell, saying that, we can to do the job for an extra £350 or so using our equally stinking operative Brian.

Skin slipStinker body
Rotton corpse Stinker Corpse
     
Shit Happens
   
  Tenpasenta Church
COFFINCAM
Tenpasenta
 
 
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CoffinCam™ CoffinCam enabled
As part of our modern approach to death and bereavement, we have introduced CoffinCam™. Remember your dead loved one as never before.
We install a small CCTV camera inside the coffin, when you visit our bereavement centre you can ask to see the live coffin feed and check your loved ones state of decay.
From late 2017 CoffinCam™ will be included as part of our E-book of remembrance package.
Retro fitting available
Film Film
 
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FUNERALS ON DVD
Tenpasenta
Funeral Mix
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£150
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our
Premium Funeral
Division.

Premium  Funerals
dvd
Tenpasenta funerals Premium Funerals offer DVD's of your loved ones funeral, as this is our budget version of you will need to do the filming yourself, it's the only way we can offer the great price quoted here, we'll then burn the video you have made to DVD.
Film whatever you like, however we do ask £25 per day extra for admittance behind the scenes, you will then have access to all areas and you can make a really interesting documentary about their funeral process.
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