Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tightfisted

 
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Budget cremation options

 
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  • Making life's final journey cheaper than other people's •  

FUNERAL PYRES

Tenpasenta
pyres southampton All of our Budget cremations take place at the far end of our self storage warehouse car park daily from 11am-5pm.
We have space for 12 cremations at once, so bring some friends along and join the fun, soft drinks available. Why not wrap some potatoes in tin foil to add to the pyre, a great mid way snack.CryptAdvisor
The deceased can be cremated in a painted or natural Budget cardboard box, any unpainted wooden coffin, naked or wrapped in a shroud of your choice. To be honest we feel it's a shame to burn a good quality cardboard box as they could be put to better use at home up in the loft or on top of the wardrobe for extra storage.
We do not officially accept bodies for cremation from the boot of a saloon car during daylight hours, ring for details about this service and heavy costs involved.
We recommend whenever possible to ensure that the deceased hasn't eaten corn Kernels, this can cause concern among unsuspecting mourners as the body engorges and pops, however we can add corn Kernels if requested, bring your own buckets and salt. £55
We supply enough wood for a three hour burn, extra wood is available for £15 per bundle, enough for a further 30 minutes, please don't bring any treated wood like fencing, this is not acceptable due to it's high smoke production. Swan Vesta kitchen matches are available at only £5 per box, feel free to bring your own combustibles, petrol can be added with caution, just watch your eyebrows, NO diesel.
Pyre Human ashes
A typical funeral pyre can be seen above, we adhere to the strict rules laid out by the Ganges municipal pyre building council of India.
FROM ONLY £500!

NEW CREMATOR 2015

Tenpasenta
New creamtor We have recommissioned one of our indoor cremators for select budget customers!
Apparently Southampton City Council are not impressed with our pyre cremation service, so to comply with by-laws we are shifting a select majority of customers to our indoor service, we have to charge £350 extra for this, but you do get a free paper bag containing your loved ones remains!

We will keep you updated as to when this fantastic option becomes available, it's expected by February 2015. Brian who is fixing up this old cremator is having trouble re-bricking the retort, whatever that is.
NEW DIRECT CREMATION
Tenpasenta
Cremation Our professional services for arranging the direct cremation:
Removal of deceased from a hospital mortuary or hospice.
Care of the deceased on a fridge shelf.
A simple cardboard coffin with name plate for identification.
Conveyance to the crematorium in a van of our choice.
A funeral operative to trolley the coffin into the crematorium.
Our Crematorium fee
Doctors' fees for cremation certificates
Scattering of cremated remains into skip.
From Only £1000 including disbursements.
Pay by Up Front only £1450 guaranteed price.

ASHES

Tenpasenta
Ash spreading Ashes can be spread by our resident grave digger Brian whilst he is wearing a smart suit if requested, we only charge £15, and this is just to cover his hefty shoe cleaning bills.
Our spreading service is a very popular choice with those who worry about the ash blowing back onto themselves.
If you wished to keep the ashes for some morbid reason, we have a wide selection of Budget urns available from only £10.
Because of the very large amount of ash left over from a pyre cremation, we suggest you pick out your own selection of the remains for us to spread or for you to keep. Remaining ashes are brushed into Southampton water at high tide, if you feel this sweeping option is aCryptAdvisor good for your loved ones remains, let us know, and we'll charge you £20 for the privilege of watching.
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SHROUD ONLY

Tenpasenta
Shroud Dad pyre
approvedThanks to finding some old stock, you can now buy our fabulous pure Nylon golden funeral shrouds. These hand boxed shrouds will give any Budget cremation a truly Premium look until burnt, and at only £55 these £10 items will also enhance the burning effect of the pyre by being highly flammable themselves, the box may just be big enough for your choice of the remaining ashes, becoming a splendid urn, a great two in one product.
To enhance that premium look, why not buy some cardboard cut-out flowers, we have a wide selection starting at only £15.99.
     
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SHRUBBERY FACTS

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We offer a "shrubbery" option where we can spread all of the cremated remains over a large area, this is then allowed to become wild and overgrown.
This really is a beautiful way to lay your loved ones remains to rest and it doesn't cost a fortune.
As a side note we'd like to point out that some council crematoriums may say they will also spread the ashes in a shrubbery, which sounds nice, but in reality they just bury bags full once a month in a common grave, so it pays you to pay us, at least you get honesty.
Human ashes in shrubbery
new Our new columbarium is now open! Take a look. columbarium image
 
   
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REMAINS DISPOSAL
Tenpasenta
partially cremated state We kindly ask that patrons ensure that their loved one is fully cremated before going home.
There have been occasions when the corpse has been left in a partially cremated state, this is very annoying because it means we have to finish the job. You can expect to be billed the expense of petrol and wood, and we will go through the civil court process to reclaim these costs if necessary.
Cleaning up a partial cremation is not only a £250 fee, but we will jump about on the remains for a while and put the video on You tube if we don't receive quick payment, we don't care who you are, or who you think you are, clean up your dead.
We are concerned about news in the media concerning body parts washed up on a local beach, the bereaved are respectfully reminded that they should ensure their loved one is fully consumed by the pyre before spreading.
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METAL COMPONENTS
Tenpasenta
Southampton funeral pyre We would like to remind all of those using our funeral pyres that they should put all femoral components left after a loved ones cremation into the recycle bins provided and not thrown into the river Itchen. These parts can contain valuable metals which we like to have recycled for cash.
femoral components
SMOKE PROTECTION
Tenpasenta
face mask Respirators
One thing that many Budget cremation customers forget is the bloody awful clouds of stinking smoke produced by the funeral pyre (but to be honest this can smell quite like a nice summer barbecue once the fuel has burned off). We offer the very best protective equipment available for your nose and lungs.
Our entry level offering is one of those dust masks that Chinese people wear at the slightest sign of dust or swine flu, only £1.80 each
For the main stoker a military grade mask and visor is advisable, this will cost £25 rental for the day, additional filters are available from only £5.50 each.
Protecting your own clothes from the smoke is your own problem, we don't recommend mourners come in rented suits, they could lose their deposits.
BURNS VICTIM DISCOUNT
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Burns victim
Burns Victim
Discount
Calculator
flames
We are pleased to offer victims of house fires a discount on all cremations! The amount of discount will depend on how badly the loved one was consumed by fire, but can be as much as 80% for a fully consumed corpse.
     
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