What to do when someone dies at home:

When someone dies at home, their doctor should be the first person you contact, if they are away on holiday try again later, locum doctors often find themselves too busy to get out of bed for low priority cases.
Be sure to hide any blood stained objects and dispose of them carefully prior to the Doctors visit, if a pillow had been used to hasten your loved ones departure just plump it up a bit, if their face appears very red or with broken blood vessels just say they had been badly constipated for some time.
The doctor will issue the Medical Certificate when they are satisfied with the cause of death. You may be asked to collect the certificate from the Doctors surgery at a later date, which is annoying, needless to say waiting patients may feel unsettled as they hear you asking for a death certificate, especially the old or infirm who know in the back of their minds it could be their next of kin popping in within days doing the same for their certificate.
If not done prior to death locate their Will quickly, we have a hand writing specialist on hand who can make handy financial amendments in your favour, call now for a quote.

What to do when someone dies in a nursing home:

When someone dies in a nursing home things are a little different, it is the nursing home staff who should liaise with the doctor, after first of course having a party and checking the deceased's bedroom drawers and belongings or large sums of cash that can handsomely reimburse years’ worth of clearing shit from the deceased's private parts.
Contact us once the doctor has been informed and we will arrange a suitable time to discuss your requirements, this basically involves us trying to get the most money out of you before collecting their body in an old van.

What to do when someone dies in hospital:

When someone dies in hospital it can be very inconvenient, with the price of parking at hospitals these days you could find yourself with their parking bill had they driven themselves there, be sure to check the worth of their car before putting the ticket into the payment machine. A member of the Nursing team may be able to wangle you written note for slightly discounted parking, even with that you may find yourself having an embolism as you see the charge, at least you will be in the right place for prompt care. Paying for your ticket during the day can be a nuisance, you will find council tenants hanging off their IV stands, whilst sucking on King size cigarettes.
It will be the staff nurse who arranges for a doctor to issue the Certificate of death ready for Burial or Cremation, which you will need to collect along with any of their belongings, if they wore glasses it's worth handing them to us, ideal for an open coffin viewing, this may involve another parking bill to worry about.
Contact us and we will arrange a suitable time to discuss your requirements and we will bring the loved one who has died into our care, in an old van. You can do the collection yourself, but for some strange reason the deceased are still required by law to wear a seat belt.

Notes if you are present when your loved one pegs it in hospital.
Jewellery should be removed in the presence of another member of staff, and staff should be aware of religious ornaments that need to stay with the body.
The body should be wrapped in a sheet and lightly taped, so as not to cause disfigurement.
People should never go naked to the mortuary, or be released naked to a funeral director.
The dead person should be laid on their back, with arms by their sides and a pillow under their head.
Eyes should be closed by applying light pressure for 30 seconds.
If a death is being referred to the coroner, intravenous cannulae and lines should be left in situ.

What to do when someone dies suddenly:

When someone dies suddenly after "falling" off the roof for example, it is normal for the Coroner to be involved.
The Coroner is automatically involved in most sudden or unexpected deaths, especially if the person who has died has not been under a doctor’s care on a regular basis, we have a "double" of the local Southampton Coroner who can whisk the body into our Budget autopsy room, and find the cause of death your insurance company may require. Contact us as soon as possible and we will be able to advise you on the procedures involved and liaise with the "Coroner’s office". There is a large charge for this service.
In the event that the deceased is not part of a murder investigation involving you or your family, then let the real Coroner get their hands dirty, the government pays them well for their hours work and signature.

What to do when someone dies away from home:

When someone dies away from home, either within the UK (£8 per mile to collect) or anywhere abroad, Contact Us and we can make all the necessary arrangements. If they were very fat the carriage charge can be very high, if they were unloved just leave them there, the local authorities will soon sort something out, if you find yourself pursued for payment just disown them, and save a few quid, this could be a good option for anybody to be honest.