Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tightfisted

 
 

About Budget Funerals

 
Tenpasenta Church home
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  • Making life's final journey cheaper than other people's •

ABOUT

Tenpasenta
Fun into funerals Budget Funerals is part of the worlds top fake church the Tenpasenta Church in Southampton, we offer baseline funerals for the impoverished or generally tight fisted. We have enabled tens of thousands to have the best funeral they could afford or maybe deserved.
Established in 1986 this family run business has thrived on the misery of others, but it's a job somebody has to do, and we are happy to cash in on this fact, as are most funeral directors.
With low income members of society able to claim Funeral Payments from the Social Fund of around £2000 you'd be surprised at how easily we can come up to this figure when pricing your budget funeral, somebody may have to pay it back at some point, but that's not our problem.
 
   
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  Tenpasenta Church

MANAGEMENT

Tenpasenta
Budget FuneralsAs with any good funeral director it's all about the bottom line. Our level of honesty in this business is reflected also throughout The Tenpasenta Church.
We make it our duty to manipulate the bereaved to our financial gain, years of experience in working with the public at this stressful time enables us to get the best prices and profits from the poorest (or richest) in the community.
Being able to feign sadness is key to our prosperity, the downside for us is that exposure to daily sadness combined to the lust of money is a psychological dilemma, after years of exposure this means that at times of happiness instead of smiling we look increasingly sad, and at times of true sadness we can't help but laugh out loud. This can appear odd during our own personal life but is the key to our financial success, if you ever meet a happy funeral director call the Samaritans, it sounds like they be about to end it all.
This is the price we in the grave trade pay for a cushy way of life, good isn't it.
Very rich Vicar Very poor customer
OWNER TYPICAL CUSTOMER
     
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church

BY ROYAL APPOINTMENT?

Tenpasenta
Vicar meets Queen Although we are the country's leading Budget Funeral service we do get attention from all walks of life.

Recently her Majesty the Queen dropped by and donated £2million for some reason, is that better than being by appointment to HM? We don't know.
The money will be put to good use, and Liz is welcome back, we just hope she makes an appointment with us first, our vicars can't just drop things at a moment's notice,Royal in Southampton however big the donation cheque may be.
We have a designated "Gift the Church" donations area at the Church reception, please take your donations there for everybody's convenience sake, thanks.
 
   
R.I.P.
  Tenpasenta Church
DEATH INFORMATION AND ADVICE
Tenpasenta
What to do when someone dies on a budget.
Info ZoneThe information below will help you understand the first steps that need to be taken when someone dies. If you would like to Contact Us for more advice one of our experienced members of staff will be more than happy to assist you, we aim to reply within 30 days, either by email or second class post, for a more express service call our ex-directory hotline.
What to do when someone dies at home:
When someone dies at home their doctor should be the first person you contact, if they are away on holiday try again later, locum doctors often find themselves too busy to get out of bed for low priority cases, especially for someone they've never heard of.. If in doubt call an ambulance, when using the 999 service don't tell them you suspect a death, it's more fun for the driver to use the blues and twos en-route, and your neighbours will appreciated the alert so that they can peep through their net curtains.

If you feel guilty about the death for some reason be sure to hide blood stained objects and dispose of them carefully prior to the Doctors visit, if a pillow had been used to hasten your loved ones departure plump it up a bit, if their face appears very red or with broken blood vessels (asphyxia petechiae) just say they had been badly constipated for some time.

A doctor will issue the Medical Certificate when they are satisfied with the cause of death. You may be asked to collect the certificate from the Doctors surgery at a later date, which is annoying, it can also unsettle some patients in the waiting room when they hear you asking for a death certificate, especially those old or infirm ones who know in the back of their minds that it could be their next of kin popping in within days doing the same for their certificate.

Locate your loved ones Will quickly, if you prefer we have a hand writing specialist who can make handy financial amendments in your favour, call now for a quote (normally a percentage).
Dead on toilet
What to do when someone dies in a nursing home:
Die at home When someone dies in a nursing home things are a little different, it is the nursing home staff who will liaise with the doctor, this normally happens after checking the deceased persons bedroom drawers and belongings or large sums of cash that can handsomely reimburse years' worth of clearing shit from the deceased loved ones private parts.
Contact us once the doctor has been informed and we will arrange a suitable time to discuss your requirements, this basically involves us trying to get the most money out of you before collecting their body in an old van.
old or dead
What to do when someone dies in hospital:
Jewellery should be removed in the presence of a member of staff, and staff should be aware of religious ornaments that need to stay with the body.
The body should be wrapped in a sheet and lightly taped, so as not to cause disfigurement.
People should never go naked to the mortuary, or be released naked to a funeral director, we don't really want to look and their wrinkly bits.
The dead person should be laid on their back, with arms by their sides and a pillow under their head.
Eyes should be closed by applying light pressure for 30 seconds.
If a death is being referred to the coroner, intravenous cannula and lines should be left in situ. So don't piss around with the dead if you are not qualified to do so. When someone dies in hospital it can be very inconvenient, especially with the price of parking these days! If they had they driven themselves to hospital you could be landed with a hefty charge, be sure to compare the value of their car to the ticket price via the payment machine, it could be best to leave it there. Getting to the ticket during the day can be a game in itself, you will find council tenants hanging off their IV stands sucking on King size cigarettes.
It will be the staff nurse who arranges for a doctor to issue the Certificate of death ready for your choice of Burial or Cremation, which you will need to collect along with any of their belongings, if they wore glasses it's worth handing them to us if want an authentic look to an open coffin viewing.
We can arrange a suitable time to discuss your requirements and we will bring the loved one who has died into our care in an old collections van. You could do the collection yourself, but for some strange reason the deceased are still required by law to wear a seat belt.
Dead in hospital
What to do when someone dies suddenly:
Hit by train When someone dies suddenly after falling off the roof for example, the Coroner is automatically involved, especially if the person who died has not been under a doctor's care on a regular basis.
Fortunately we have a double of a local Southampton Coroner who can whisk the body into our Budget autopsy room no questions asked and we can find the cause of death your insurance company may require for a nice little payout. Contact us as soon as possible and we will be able to advise you on the procedures involved and liaise with the "Coroner's office". There is a large fee for this service.

In the event that the deceased is not part of a murder investigation involving you or your own family, then let a real Coroner get their hands dirty, the government pays them well for their hour of work and illegible signature.
Budget body fridge
What to do when someone dies away from home:
When someone dies away from home it can be an even bigger nuisance, as well as all the above scenarios there is a collection fee, if they died within within the UK it's £8 per mile, and bloody expensive to collect from abroad.
If the deceased was very fat the carriage charge can be extortionate thanks to out 100% surcharge. If the deceased was unloved just leave them where they are found and the local authorities will soon sort something out for free, this could be a good option for anybody on a budget to be honest.
Remember you can bring your deceased loved one to our facility yourself any time. Please write their name and address on the white board provided, if you do not contact us with funeral plans within 24 hours we will be forced to contact the police and a murder enquiry may be started. If you had however murdered the victim and require a quick discreet disposal please contact our staff with the correct remuneration of several thousand pounds and we'll come to an arrangement.
Budget funeral van
What to do when someone isn't found for a while:
Yuk! Call somebody else. Dead in bed
OFFICIAL BBC REPORT
Budget Funerals Apparently my websites caused some offence amongst local community busybodies. luckily the BBC came to my aid and produced a free promo video.
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