Budget Funerals
For The Impoverished or Generally Tightfisted

 
 

Budget bereavement support

 
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  • Making life's final journey cheaper than other people's •  

BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT

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As we all know, poor people (unlike celebrities and the wealthy) mean nothing, they have no opinion worth listening to, and are usually too ugly to display their photos in public, and as such we should all celebrate their demise.
Shit Happens
Goodbye and good riddance to old rubbish!
Body Bag

CELEBRATE DEATH

Tenpasenta
celebrate Our new foam hand is designed to replace flowers, and at only £30.99 each they're a lot cheaper too!
We think it's nice to celebrate death and wish your loved one a peaceful eternity, or maybe even an Afterlife! LOL.


Shit Happens
RIP foam hand

DOG & MASTER

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Dog at owners grave It is with great sadness that we have to report the death of Trigger the dog.
Trigger has been in the news around the world because of his devotion to his dead owner, Trigger stayed at the grave of Albert Twigg for 5 years, come rain or shine Trigger could be seen in our Wotachytole cemetery laying by the grave.

Since his death we noticed that his owner had been buried while still holding his lead.

GRIEF CHART

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Grief chart
Above is our unique Grief Chart, work out just how much grief you should be showing at the funeral based on the age of the deceased.
Added grief for a persons fame or amount of money they had should be added at your own discretion.
 
     
R.I.P.
  Tenpasenta Church
WE TAKE AWAY YOUR GRIEF
Tenpasenta
Budget funerals collections van  
Tenpasenta Funerals
We'll take your grief away in a the back of a van.
   
R.I.P.
     
  Tenpasenta Church  
THOUGHTS
Tenpasenta
Things overheard at a funeral. bereaved

It's funny how "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing, except when you say them at a funeral?

It's been six years since my grandad died and we're still paying for his funeral. I knew he shouldn't have been buried in that rental suit.

Our son was given six months to live, we were absolutely gutted, had it been just one month less and we wouldn't have wasted money on that Play Station 4 for his birthday.

"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The undertaker...............It's a good job I checked"

I said to my wife, "When I die, I'd like to die having sex." She said, "At least it'll be quick."

Yet another member of my family died last week.
I buried her in my local cemetery, I've found that usually works.

My granddad died a few weeks ago and I hate to think of my poor grandma all alone in that great big house.
So I think about something else instead.

Peter drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt, it's what he would have wanted

He will be missed by all. Except, it appears; the driver of that bus.

My Uncle was the inventor of the speedboat engines used in the World cup, he's being buried today followed by the wake.

I went against my husbands wishes and had him cremated, he'd always said he wanted to be buried between my legs.
The inventor of the hi vis jacket has died. Please respect his final wish and all show up at the funeral.
 
     
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OLD POEM REIMAGINED
Tenpasenta
Laying over skeleton Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning´s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.
But then again I always did talk a lot of Bollocks.
   
R.I.P.
   
  Tenpasenta Church  
BEREAVEMENT ADVICE
Tenpasenta
Things not to say to the
bereaved at a funeral.
Mark Collyer

I know exactly how you're feeling, my Gerbil died when I was six.

Everything happens for a reason, his rectum cancer was just one of many.

That life support machine she was on over the last 35 years just delayed things.

There are plenty more fish in the sea love, and most of them are a lot better looking.

Get on with your life, just because he took his own because of your incessant nagging is no excuse to be so miserable.

Things will get better, just think of all that life Insurance money, happy bloody days!

They are in a better place now. Mind you I wouldn't want to swap.

Mummy, is it true what the vicar said, that we come from dust and return to dust?
Yes son, that's very true.
Well you better look on top of my wardrobe Mummy, I think someone Is either coming or going.

God Is taking care of them now, which Is a lot cheaper than that damn geriatric care home your Father put her in.

Remember that basically they were just tissue, not worth worrying about really, lets go clubbing.

This is going to be a great opportunity now to bin all their old crap.

You can still have more children Kylie, maybe some fully white one this time?

     
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